home is home

Ahh, it feels good to be home. I was gone for over a week, and I have to say, I definitely missed my house and the familiar smells. It smells like home. I know that seems strange, but it’s just comforting. I’m finally back to my own bed and not a guest room bed where I feel anti-social if i just wanna spend most of my time in that room, or away from everybody. What can I say, I just don’t like having to spend so much time sitting around staring at the tv with relatives. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not all we end up doing– we also talk. There comes a time in most of those conversations though where I either feel awkward that my parents bring up something about my life, or the conversation ends up becoming boring. Those two outcomes make me just want to avoid too many hours of conversation. Also, vacation never seems like “vacation”. I can’t think of the last time where we went on one of these vacations and I actually felt like relaxed or anything. It’s always stressful, because long car rides means more room for error in communication, and grumpiness. Then, when we get to wherever we’re going, the plan is to see stuff all week. I just don’t understand why when you’re on vacation at a random place, you have to see all the sights, do all the things. I was looking forward to the days of no school and sleeping in. But I didn’t really sleep in at all. It’s just kind of disappointing. Because I missed working out for all of those days, and had to sit in the car on the drive for a good portion of it, and didn’t get to relax, so I felt like I might as well have been home doing what I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the ability to see these places, but under the circumstances I would’ve been more relaxed spending my time at home. 

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Why do we date?

Why do we date? I know why I date, do you know why you do? Is it a way to pass time? Feel loved? Or possibly, is it to find who best suits you? Someone who makes you feel loved, and that even when the time passes, it’s been well spent. Someone who you can picture yourself with down the line. It’s not a way to waste time in my opinion; it’s to find that person out there that is not necessarily made for me, but I guess I would say perfectly in sync with me and the oddities I possess. Someone who I don’t have to be guarded around. Who thinks like I do. I like it when my type of affection is mimicked back to me. I like it that when I kiss him with a quick peck, he kisses me back in kind. When I rest my forehead against his, that’s what he was going to do to as well. Someone where the chemistry isn’t forced. It’s exciting. And when someone can get me and like truly understand me, that’s what makes me feel loved. That’s why I date, to find that. To find that type of connection and chemistry.

still numb

So recently the archer and I had gotten back together (if you hadn’t gathered that, or if I haven’t stated it already). I was having doubts about whether or not our relationship had substance, which I’m pretty sure it does. But, I learned some interesting things by voicing my doubts to him. I also asked him question that led him to ask me “wait, do you think you’re depressed?” And then I answered affirmatively. He said that I should probably go to a doctor to see if I am, and he also mentioned a book that he had read before that he thought would help. Then, he referenced the way that I think (the fact that I always deeply think about things) and said that it would especially be a good book for me probably because of that. So, he kind of proved to me that he knew something that I wasn’t even consciously aware of him knowing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t actually give people credit for things and I usually end up freaking out because I’m a little bit distracted. Now, I’m relieved that I finally talked to him and have sorted out those thoughts. But I still sort of feel numb. Like numb to some feelings. I think maybe I should go with his suggestion and see if there is possibly an underlying reason to why I’ve been feeling the way I do lately.

what I would give

Ahh, what I would give to have something interesting to share with you all right now. Maybe something enlightening and inspiring… But no, I have nothing in mind at the moment. So, I’ve decided that I’ll share with you some of my random thoughts of things that happened today. 

So, I was in the locker room at the gym, just standing there chilling (not in the most relaxed way either) in my towel, while waiting for a shower stall to open up. Thankfully though, the person who I deemed as the “locker room exhibitionist” in a previous post, wasn’t there. But, as I was standing there, a few people made the transition into the portal, or what all of you  call a door. From now on, I will be referring to it as a portal. Well at least this one door I will be calling a portal. Because, you see, this door is connected to the pool. The pool just happens to be kind of echoe-y . So, when someone goes through this certain door, it reminds me of the portals in halo. It’s like a really weird sound, but it’s cool. So yea, thing number one: the halo portal.

Number two: mind over matter. Today i realized (by doing something of low risk), that our mind is really what gets in the way of us completing certain things. Whether it be a workout, writing a paper, or doing a flip or something; our minds can easily get in the way. We all know that once we crank up the speed or resistance of something in working out, we may be having doubts while changing that, but after we’ve completed it, we know we can do it. With papers, we all know that they can be long and tedious. Our brain gets in the way and says “no, no, no! stop now, I am very bored!” and so we might stop, or feel discouraged. But, even with the most boring or difficult tasks, if we out our minds to it, instead of letting it get in the way, we can do great things. Today, for me, I pushed my brain aside for a quick second, and got a good result. I was doing cartwheels, a simple skill that I am happy to have. One that I am also proud to say I can do one-handedly. Little did I know, I can use either hand. I tried it out one-handed on the hand i’m not used to today, and I did it fairly well (considering I had never used that hand for it before). I pushed my brain aside the moment that I decided I would do it, and then afterwards, my brain returned. But, for a split second before it, I had thoughts like “well what if this arm is weaker than the other, or what if I have terrible balance on it, or what if I hit my head because my arm gives out….” Thankfully though, I tried it before those thoughts really scared me, and I ended up not fearing it, and having good results. It’s a small victory, but it still is one in my opinion. Also, now it makes me more inclined to try different moves because I think I underestimate my body sometimes. 

 

Hi, readers. So today I was reading through quotes on pinterest (shocker! gosh.. when am I not on there?) Anyways, I was reading through quotes and there was this random month long journal prompt list. I think I’ll try it (for a private journal) but tonight I’ll have to catch up like 15 days worth, […]

Ending up alone

Do you ever just fear ending up alone? Or that you’r making a big mistake? Maybe I’d be giving up the one thing in life that makes me happy. Or maybe I’d be giving the ultimate happy thing a chance to find me by doing this. I’m just afraid that I’ll never adore someone again like I adore the archer. But then again, I don’t think the archer and I are a couple that will necessarily last in the long run. However, I’ve never been able to act this way around someone before. I’ve also never been this confused before though. It seemed that there was a time before in life, where I was happy for no reason. I saw life in color, not black and white. Now though, it is black and white. Things have been revealed to me, I’ve changed– life has changed. I don’t know if maybe I was living in childish ignorance and was happy because of that. But I just can’t help but feel that maybe I’m doing something wrong now, because everything seemed simpler before. The other day I was watching how i met your mother, and barney said something that had stuck out to me to create a thought. The thought was “Maybe I shouldn’t get married one day, maybe I don’t want to”. I voiced this thought to my friend and sister, and they thought I was crazy or something. They asked me “Why would you never want to get married??” Honestly, and that point I had forgotten why I had formed that thought, but it was because of a certain phrase. I re-watched the episode though, and remembered where my thought had stemmed from. The phrase was something like this “Now I know that I’ll never trust someone enough to get married.” So, the wheels in my head started turning and I was like “Hmmm… maybe I won’t be able to trust someone that much, and maybe I won’t be able to trust in myself enough that one person is who I’d truly want for the rest of my life”. You see, I’d like to think in a positive way, but my feelings have been surprising me so much lately, I don’t know if my love is stable enough. One day things could be going great, and then when I take time to think about stuff for a while, all of a sudden I want out.  

Some days I feel perfectly at peace, others I feel surely crazy. These last few days it has been the later. Sometimes I feel like I could have something wrong with me, like depression. But nobody would know. It wouldn’t be a mopey depressed. More of like a numbness to knowing how I feel about anything. To just give up. I don’t want to give up though, but I feel like I’m against the struggle of falling into a depression or something. Right now it just feels like it would depend on what would push me over the edge. I don’t think anyone would notice though, because I’d still do my studies, and fitness, but I would go through my days without any emotions. It just seems like the only thing that could make them notice would be for me to behave like my brother has done in the past. Which would be to show actual signs of my life not staying on track. I’m too much of a control freak to let my life off course though I think, so I don’t think they’ll figure anything is wrong. 

 

at a loss for words

So right now I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to write. I know I’ve said this so many times, but it seems like it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Lately my life has been confusing me. I’m always seeming to make a muck of what seems to be an easy choice. So I’ve added an extra element of difficulty in my brains mind maze. 

So I have a question for all of you. Do you think you should spend time in a relationship with someone even though you don’t really have much to talk about? But you’re like addicted to just being in their arms. Do you think that the adoration can be paired with an even better conversationalist? Or do you think that people who can make you happy just by being there don’t come around very often? 

what to write..

You see, I really don’t know what to write right now. I might have a few ideas of topics though… just give me a sec… 

Songs. That’s my topic for this post I guess. So right now I’m listening to unfaithful by Rihanna. I know I probably wouldn’t be like Rihanna, talking to this guy through the song who’s supposed to be her boyfriend, but she’s seeing other guys on the side. It’s just something I don’t think I could ever do. I guess I’m monogamous by nature, oh well 😛 Anyways, that was just to give you an example of how I thought about talking of songs.

When I was like 7.. 8? Maybe, I’m not sure which age, my parents got me a random “Eddie money” CD. Well, around tat time, i had this fat hamster named caramel (his nickname was “big guy”). So, around this time, caramel died from old age for hampers, which was only like 2 and a half or like three years old. I remember the “Eddie money” CD because that’s the first CD that had a song that every time i listened to it, i got sad. It made me sad because it reminded me of caramel for some reason.. Oh, and silly little tid-bit, guess what big guy’s son’s name was.. little guy.. yea, that wasn’t his nickname. He didn’t get a very creative real name…

 

Now, the songs that make me sad make me sad because of people. When I listen to a few songs, I think of the archer. These are the songs: mad- by Neyo; so sick– by Neyo; not like the movies-by Katy Perry; and the last one would probably be not as much as the others, but, heart attack Demi lovato. Oh, and wrecking ball– Miley cyrus.  

I just find it strange that hearing a song could stir up memories so effectively. Another good one is forever and always by Parachute; it might just make you cry if you listen to it. 

 

The picture

How did this picture form? Since when do you remember seeing someone being so utterly perfect all the time? Never. Or barely ever. It’s almost inhumane to always be perfect. But, we expected them to be. We expect that our significant others will always treat us the way we imagine in our heads, or that […]