Ending up alone

Do you ever just fear ending up alone? Or that you’r making a big mistake? Maybe I’d be giving up the one thing in life that makes me happy. Or maybe I’d be giving the ultimate happy thing a chance to find me by doing this. I’m just afraid that I’ll never adore someone again like I adore the archer. But then again, I don’t think the archer and I are a couple that will necessarily last in the long run. However, I’ve never been able to act this way around someone before. I’ve also never been this confused before though. It seemed that there was a time before in life, where I was happy for no reason. I saw life in color, not black and white. Now though, it is black and white. Things have been revealed to me, I’ve changed– life has changed. I don’t know if maybe I was living in childish ignorance and was happy because of that. But I just can’t help but feel that maybe I’m doing something wrong now, because everything seemed simpler before. The other day I was watching how i met your mother, and barney said something that had stuck out to me to create a thought. The thought was “Maybe I shouldn’t get married one day, maybe I don’t want to”. I voiced this thought to my friend and sister, and they thought I was crazy or something. They asked me “Why would you never want to get married??” Honestly, and that point I had forgotten why I had formed that thought, but it was because of a certain phrase. I re-watched the episode though, and remembered where my thought had stemmed from. The phrase was something like this “Now I know that I’ll never trust someone enough to get married.” So, the wheels in my head started turning and I was like “Hmmm… maybe I won’t be able to trust someone that much, and maybe I won’t be able to trust in myself enough that one person is who I’d truly want for the rest of my life”. You see, I’d like to think in a positive way, but my feelings have been surprising me so much lately, I don’t know if my love is stable enough. One day things could be going great, and then when I take time to think about stuff for a while, all of a sudden I want out.  

Some days I feel perfectly at peace, others I feel surely crazy. These last few days it has been the later. Sometimes I feel like I could have something wrong with me, like depression. But nobody would know. It wouldn’t be a mopey depressed. More of like a numbness to knowing how I feel about anything. To just give up. I don’t want to give up though, but I feel like I’m against the struggle of falling into a depression or something. Right now it just feels like it would depend on what would push me over the edge. I don’t think anyone would notice though, because I’d still do my studies, and fitness, but I would go through my days without any emotions. It just seems like the only thing that could make them notice would be for me to behave like my brother has done in the past. Which would be to show actual signs of my life not staying on track. I’m too much of a control freak to let my life off course though I think, so I don’t think they’ll figure anything is wrong. 



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