learning to let go of the past

The other day, the archer tried coming back into my life… again. Honestly, embarrassingly enough, at first I wanted him to come back. The reason why that’s embarrassing? Well, if I haven’t made it clear already in my previous posts, we had been in an on and off again relationship too many times for my liking. So now, dears readers, I have told him to leave, and he has. It was strange, though, because even though he was bi-polar towards me sometimes, I still felt something for him and I felt bad about severing that possibility of being with him. That is, I felt that way during the moment. Frankly, I feel quite well today, as that was early yesterday (he wished me a happy valentines day and called me “baby” not a weighted word in some people’s books, but it brings back old feelings). I think in that moment it was hard, only because I remembered the chemistry we had together. By saying this next thing, however, I hope you don’t perceive me as naive for thinking this way. I thought to myself, (not necessarily that it even matters quite yet) “Would I actually ever want to be bound in a marriage with this particular person?” The one side of me said, “Sure” but the logical side answered, “He probably wouldn’t be a stable provider of emotional fulfillment/ financial stability in the future (as he said that whenever he gets money he just seems to spend it, keep in mind he’s still in high school though too) so, no, I would not marry him”. When it comes down to it, I think people should be dating to find a person to settle down with one day. I’m not saying that you have to think before dating each guy if they would be a good person to marry, i’m just asking myself in this one situation if this guy was a serious possibility for marriage, would he be worth the emotional turmoil of an on and off again relationship? Did I need this hassle to be happy? Honestly, no. Honestly, I felt like I was dumber during my interactions with him. I would just be blinded by the lust, and not truly be saying anything meaningful. We didn’t have amazing discussions, which I know I’m capable of having with other people. Also, through the last few conversations with him, I realized that he doesn’t really put forth much effort after he has a girl’s attention. I may have still have had feelings for him, but that doesn’t mean that he was good for me… What helped me realize this actually was when I was talking to this new guy (his code name is still to be decided…). The new guy asked me (after I divulged that I had gone back to an ex in the past) why I would go back. I honestly didn’t have a good explanation, and after having him, an outside non subjective source questioning it, it truly made me think of how bad it is to be constantly flip-flopping. I replied with “I don’t know really, it doesn’t make much sense…” and then I thought about it. Did it make sense for me to even consider going back to the archer? No. So, that is how I have learned to let go of the past. Just because somebody was your past, doesn’t mean that they have the right to waltz into your future. Our past is meant for the past, not the present. 

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