finding a reason to smile

Something I wrote august 14th and forgot to post.

So things have happened recently that aren’t as joyous as we would all hope. One of them being, the recent death of Robin Williams. I am not about to go on a long monologue about being an avid follower of his work, but I do enjoy his work that I remember seeing like: Jumanji, Night at the Museum, and Mrs. Doubtfire.  Sources have said that Robin Williams committed suicide because he was depressed. I’m not saying that I am clinically depressed, for I have no evidence that what I have experienced is depression, but I can sympathize with feeling like some things are just empty and hopeless. I had a few dark days in the last few months, none where I would have ever been so removed that I would’ve killed myself, but I would feel lost. It felt as though I didn’t know what to do and that I wasn’t making a meaningful impact on the world (as if that is a pressing responsibility that I have while alive). It seems as though there are so many things that could make us want to cry and just give up, yet if you just search a little harder there’s always something much more cheerful to dwell on.

Robin Williams was on this earth for 63 years, and in those years made a wonderful impact on other’s lives. Some lights just beg to be blown out though. They flicker and wave back and forth, hoping for some natural condition, like a gust of wind, to put them out of their withering. There is no reason to beg such an influence to expend every last drop of their energy on pleasing us, but instead we should find our own unique characteristics and create more flames, so as to connect to Williams’ flame. As the passing of the flame goes, we will continue to use this great light to make more flames, for there is no reason to grovel at the old flame for choosing to leave if it has left us with plenty of light and inspiration.

Earlier in the year I was having a bad day. It was immensely difficult for me to get a grip that day. I was stir crazy and sad. I wanted to make a difference in the world, or at least be a part of it that day. First, I didn’t know what kind of thing I wanted to make a difference about, and secondly, I had no means to get out of the house. I felt trapped. Somehow a place that is so comforting to me after long trip now felt like a jail cell. I didn’t want to be there and I honestly acted somewhat close to a child, crying and just using my sobbing to beg to be doing something that I enjoyed, something that would get my mind off of what was making me sad. Eventually, the day passed and I felt somewhat better, yet I still felt uneasy. I would never commit suicide or anything of the sort, but my mind voiced rhetorical and negative thoughts like, “What if I wasn’t here? I wouldn’t feel this way and maybe then somebody would notice that I don’t feel good.”

I value my life, and I’m not saying that people who commit suicide don’t, but I am saying this… Sometimes I feel very alone and it saddens me, and almost actually scares me, to read some things that I have been seeing recently on this subject of Robin William’s death. I’ve read the article that says that Williams didn’t kill himself, but his disease did. I saw one that basically said that depression was a killer and it wants to get you alone. Because that’s where depression thrives, it thrives in your loneliness.

What I ask of you all is to find somebody in those lonely times, if you have this illness or not, find somebody to sit by you. To watch you and be there for you, as a simple reminder that you’re in company of people that care about you in this world, and that’s all you can really ask for.

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